Drinker's Fault Finding Guide

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction. Shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another beer and practice in front of a mirror. Continue practicing with as many beers as is necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

 
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction. Beer is unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone to buy you another beer.

 
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass is being held at wrong angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

 
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside the nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

 
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

 
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

 
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

 
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If your glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put, otherwise get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

 
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

 
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not, treat yourself to a lie in.

 
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The bar is closing.
Solution: PANIC!!!


A man walks into a bar and orders one shot.  He drinks it, then looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.  Curious, the bartender asks him, "Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"  The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."


A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"


A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.  Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man replies, "I have a dollar."